We would all agree that a “sex addict” is controlled by evil desires. More accurately, a sexual sinner is control by what they want. What about the rest of us? Paul said “we all once lived in the passion of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind” (Eph. 2:3). All of us, whatever our family of origin, have this same influential sinful background. We all lived in the passion of our flesh, doing what we wanted. That is, we were controlled by what we wanted. The biblical view is that sin comes from within. Past events may trigger sin, but they don’t create the triggers. We are internally driven by a commitment to carry out our own desires. The desires that controlled us were the desires of the body and the mind. The truth is that those who are not really following Christ are controlled by what they want. Outwardly a Christian, there is no change from the inside out, just a level of external conformity!

Every man wants respect. That desire is often expressed in having a successful career or ministry. Is he controlled by what he wants? Our true motives are not a deep mystery. Wrong motives and desires will never bear the fruit of righteousness. There will be bad fruit exhibited in handling competition, criticism, neglect of wife and family, along with anger and depression. This is the fruit that indicates that the man is controlled by what he wants.

The problem of unfaithfulness also illustrates my point. Betrayal and deception always go together when a spouse is unfaithful. No longer wanting to be deceived, a wife, discovering her husband’s unfaithfulness, wants to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. She wants the honest truth, but is she controlled by what she wants?

We all have desires, but sinful desires often disguise themselves as our expectations, felt needs, goals, wishes, and longings. Legitimate desires can conceal the truth that we are ultimately controlled by what we want. When we follow the desires of the body and mind we can fall into sexual sin. But those same desires of the mind can rule a person as strongly as an “addiction.” In fact, legitimate desires for money, reputation, security, love, success, comfort, looks, career, and meaningful marriages are so subtle and deceitful that we easily justify such desires and end up being controlled by what we want.

How do we know if we are controlled by what we want? The wife wants the “honest truth.” Yet once that honest truth is told, despair often increases. “How do I know you are being fully honest with me?” “How do I know you will be honest with me in the future?” If she is being controlled by what she really wants—never to be deceived again—she will not find peace. “A sinful fear is the craving for something not to happen” (David Powlison). What is the true motive of her heart? If a wife wants her husband to change and be sexually pure in order to control her fear—getting what she really wants—she will reveal the true motive and desire of her heart by being manipulative, fearful, angry and suspicious. This is the fruit that is certain indication that she is controlled by what she wants. On the other hand, if her desire is to be faithfully loved by her husband and to have him right with God, she will reveal the “hidden person” in her heart and the “beauty of a gentle quiet spirit as she loves and respects her husband. Such beauty, with love and respect is the fruit that reveals that God is in control.

The problem in the heart isn’t that we want something. We could want something good, something bad. In either case, the core problem is that we demand to have what we want. Everyone who has been betrayed must forgive the past without attempting to control the future so that it never happens again. The desire is right, but being controlled by the desire destroys the relationship. It will put the person in a position of suspicion and fear and leave them spiritually and sexually immature.

I can hear all the objections: “What’s wrong with wanting my husband to be faithful?” There is nothing wrong with desire! No one wants pain, rejection or abandonment. What is wrong is when that desire rules you rather than God. That results in the obvious outward displays of anger, complaining, and despair. Real truth brings peace and contentment in all circumstances. True followers of Christ in difficult circumstances “walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him, bearing fruit in every good work” (Col. 1:10). A husband and wife in the difficult circumstances of marital unfaithfulness can, through the work of God in their hearts, come to see what rules them. They can repent and find God’s grace that brings real change from the inside out. God doesn’t take away our ability to desire. He has promised to change what we really want; to want what He wants. We can have new desires and motives that rule our hearts and dramatically change behaviors and relationships.

Recommended Resources

Radical: Taking Back Your Faith From the American Dream, by David Platt. This book is radical because it will challenge you to look at how we have manipulated the gospel to fit our needs. What does the Christian lifestyle actually look like? Pastor Platt gives sound biblical answers.

The Sovereignty of God, by Arthur W. Pink. Are you confused about the sovereignty of God? This doctrine is so “diametrically opposed to the natural pride of the human heart” we need to by faith develop it in our hearts as a sound doctrine and then live responsible lives.

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So many teachers and writers are feeding this inner monster. John Eldredge’s new book, Walking With God, sounds so inviting. The ad for the book appeal to us: “Wouldn’t it be amazing to hear God speaking directly to you; to know His counsel and encouragement today?” The ad goes on to say that the book “. . . shows you what it’s like to have a ‘conversational intimacy’ with the Father. You can experience a spiritual life more rich and exhilarating than you’ve ever known.” According to Eldredge, God has speak to him through the eyes of hawk looking him in the eye, and that those eyes were telling him that God looking down on you. Tim Challies states in his excellent review, “As a guide to hearing from God, it has little value. What the author teaches is fraught with peril.” Challies goes on to say, “Walking With God offers confusion rather than clarity. Take a pass on this one.” I totally agree!

What we need is intense spiritual reality. First, we desperately need to stop seeking a spirituality for our individual selves, or for our fulfillment alone. Second, we must understand what it means to be spiritually real. We don’t need a new revelation from God that we think is going to keep us happy, safe and in the center of His will. The guidance of the Lord runs throughout the Bible with repeated commands, instructions, admonitions, exhortations, rebukes and encouragements. Remember this: When you have a plan, even a plan for your spiritual life, relational life, or career, you are not in control. God is sovereign even when things don’t turn out right. God has a plan; God is in control. Within the broad framework of God’s spoken word we have the freedom to live our lives for the glory of God. Being spiritually real is not about looking into the eyes of a hawk, studying the shape of a cloud to see Jesus’ face, or imagining that you are dancing with Jesus with His hand on the small of your back guiding you through the dance. All that may sound inviting to anyone who wants spirituality that satisfies self. However, biblical spirituality starts with God at the center and continues with Him at the focus of attention for His glory. When that becomes our priority we will be drawn to the idea of “. . . stirring up your sincere mind by way of reminder, that you should remember the predictions of the holy prophets and the commandment of the Lord and Savior . . .” (2 Peter 3:1-3). Study the scriptures and be constantly reminded of how you are to live. I have just begun to read through the epistles with the purpose of looking for all the actions we are to take. In 1 & 2 Timothy, 1-3 John, Jude, and Ephesians I have found over one hundred directives, some of which were repeated throughout these seven books of the Bible. How many of them do you know? You will find directives like: “toil and strive” (1 Tim. 2:10); “guard the good deposit” (2 Tim. 1:14); “No one born of God makes a practice of sinning . . .” (1 John 3:9); “Keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life”(Jude 21); and “. . . walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called . . .” (Eph. 4:1).

To be spiritually real we must find in Christ’s death a penetrating practicality and the immensity of His love. We must cry out for the Spirit of God to take away the infirmities of our obstinately disobedient desires; to destroy our hateful lusts for sex, money, control, and personal fulfillment. We must see the wondrous Truth that in the Cross, ‘It is finished.’ There reality lies: redemption has been achieved; satisfaction of God’s wrath is complete, all guilt is gone, our sins are forgiven, hell is demolished, the Promise Land is open, and Christ is my Lord and Savior. Therefore, having been “. . . raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God” (Col. 3:1-3). It’s not about being in recovery, it’s all about “Putting to death therefore, what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity,, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming” (Col. 3:5, 6). Then “. . . walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work . . .” (Col. 1:10) by putting on the “new self” (Col. 3:10), and putting on “compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love . . .” (Col. 3:12-14.).

Let us pray that the lessons of scripture be deeply written upon our hearts as we walk, abhorring sin, fleeing sin, loving Christ and others; and that no device or empty words deceive us and lead us “. . . astray from a sincere and pure devotion to Christ” (see 2 Cor. 11:2-4).

Copyrighted 2008 Harry W. Schaumburg. For web posting, please link to this page on our website. Any exceptions must be approved by Harry Schaumburg.